The Fourth Trimester

Everyone knows there are three trimesters in pregnancy (you can read about my first, second, and third here), but I hadn’t heard of the fourth trimester until Mr. Heid and I had started thinking about pregnancy. The fourth trimester is defined as the period of time between baby’s birth and their first three months of life. And let me tell ya — it’s a doozy.

Let me break it down (keep in mind that all of this is happening at once) —

POSTPARTUM BODY

• I experienced ankle and foot swelling from all of the IV fluids and it felt like they were huge forever. At times, I was truly worried they were going to pop. I tried keeping them elevated (even when I “slept” (ha. haha. ha. ha.)), cold compresses, massage, and compression socks. There would be a day here and there that I remember thinking, “Oh, hey. They look slightly smaller today,” and then they’d balloon back up before the evening hit. I’m not sure when, but I do remember waking up one day and realizing that my feet had finally returned to normal size, but for about another week after that, I still experienced foot aches.

• I had a second-degree tear, which is really not all that bad. That area was definitely tender for the first two weeks, and the restroom process was far from glamorous. I used a peri-bottle to squirt warm water in the area, dabbed it dry, and sprayed Dermoplast down there. Then I had to prep my underwear — lay down a massive maxi pad, crack an ice pack, add a little water to it to make it colder, and lay that down, lay down some Tuck’s pads, and spray that with Dermoplast. Pull them up and move on. Thankfully, I was able to stop the ice packs after one week and the rest by two weeks. However, I had one stitch that didn’t want to absorb as quickly as the others and stayed just under the skin, so the Dermoplast continued until around 7 weeks postpartum.

• Postpartum, I also experienced lingering pain where my ports were (my hand for the IV and my back for the epidural). Neither lasted long, though I believe I may be allergic to medical tape because there’s still a strip of discoloration on my back where the tape was.

• My stretch marks itched like crazy! I didn’t get stretch marks until my last few weeks of pregnancy, so I’m assuming their freshness and having to shrink back down so quickly is what made them so itchy.

• I had experienced belly button pain in my last few weeks of pregnancy as well. My doctor said it’s because it’s the thinnest area of skin affected by a growing belly. Thankfully it was normal; unfortunately, it continued as my uterus shrank.

• And finally, there are the rock-hard boobs with cracked bleeding nipples. Baby J’s cluster feed in the hospital led to the sore, cracked nipples. Her struggle to latch after my milk came in made them worse. Don’t worry! My breastfeeding journey has dramatically improved!

postpartum Swollen feet

POSTPARTUM EMOTIONS

• EXHAUSTION | It was already pretty rough in the hospital even with a dream team of nurses. People were in and out asking questions, checking my body, and checking the baby’s vitals. The baby needs to eat every two hours, and my baby cluster fed the second night. Somehow, we were supposed to sleep? By the time Friday rolled around, there were still more forms to be completed, and I am pretty sure I literally fell asleep with my finger on the iPad trying to complete the blanks. I know for a fact that I typed an email address incorrectly. When we got home, Baby J only wanted to sleep in our arms, so we took turns staying awake to hold her. The next morning, the pediatrician told us that it wasn’t safe to hold a sleeping baby while exhausted (my non-exhausted brain would have known that). So that night we tried to put her down, but that only led to non-stop screaming. I have never cried a more guttural cry in. my. life. I felt so useless and hopeless. Thankfully, my parents were there to help us and they held her all night while we slept, waking every two hours to feed her. There aren’t words to express this level of exhaustion.

• LOVE | The amount of love I felt (and continue to feel) for our daughter is astronomically boundless. I cannot even begin to explain it. It’s enough to bring you to tears on more than one occasion, especially with raging hormones. It’s so crazy to see others love her unconditionally as well — this tiny human who has been in our lives for such a short amount of time, yet has made such a huge impact.

• FEAR | This world is far from perfect. While there is so much to look forward to in her future and more than likely she has a great one ahead of her, it’s hard to not let fear seep in. What if she’s bullied? What if someone breaks her heart? What if we scar her? What if she falls in with the wrong crowd? What if she gets hurt? I’m not going to type them all here because I may very well have a panic attack, but you get the idea. What if life isn’t great for this little one who deserves only the best?

• JOY | Because look at that face! Look at this new life! I have so many visions and dreams of our future together and it looks so bright from here!

• EXCITEMENT | It’s so crazy to realize that every single thing is new to her. Every sound, sight, scent, taste, and touch. All of it. How exciting is that?! She has the whole world laid out before her to walk through and experience. That excitement far outweighs the fears.

• APPRECIATION | One of my mama friends called Mr. Heid to check on me (on all of us really), and I yelled from the bathroom to tell her that she’s a superhero. I have gained a new level of understanding for anyone carrying the title of mama. It’s a rollercoaster and it requires superpowers to take it on.

• SADNESS | Our five-year-old pup was having issues when we brought our baby girl home. We finally received a call that the diagnosis was a brain tumor that had bled and couldn’t be treated. We had to make the tough decision to either continue giving her meds to lead a not-so-great life or to let her go. We chose to let her go, and it was the hardest decision we’ve ever had to make. Her life was cut short and it was a sad reminder that life doesn’t always stop to let you catch up. She taught us so much patience. She taught us to love unconditionally. She taught us to be our own biggest medical advocates. She taught us to never take anything for granted and to live in the moment. She will be missed, and it’s so sad that she won’t be a part of Baby J’s life.

• GUILT | Because I didn’t have all of the solutions and knowledge immediately to make life easy peasy for my baby. Guilt because my baby struggled to latch and I couldn’t help her. Guilt because the LC said she’d be able to latch better in a few weeks and I wished we could jump forward to them, and more guilt because it seemed as though I was wishing moments of her life away and I didn’t mean that. It’s so easy to say that no one is perfect and that being a parent is another thing that you have to learn. Some things come naturally, while others take time. But that’s my level-head talking. I also have a whole other side that sometimes rears its ugly head — a side where I feel guilty for so many reasons, when really, I’m doing just fine and it’s okay to feel frustrated when things aren’t how you want them to be.

• GRATITUDE | For every person who reached out to see how we were doing. We are so blessed to have a great group of family, friends, and coworkers who love us. Knowing that we weren’t alone and that everyone was thinking of us made the rough days more tolerable. Thankful for the parents who’d been through it who didn't shy away from admitting how hard parenting can be. Thankful for our family who helped us through those first few weeks, from holding Baby J and letting us sleep, to answering all of my breastfeeding questions, to thoughtful gifts and snacks to help us through! Thankful for my husband who told me he was proud of me, that I’m beautiful, that I’m doing a great job, that he loves me, and that there’s no one else he’d rather do life with. Thankful for the lacation consultants who helped me on my breastfeeding journey. Thankful for the pediatrician who sincerely told me that I was a great mom and who taught me a swaddle method that I could finally do.

So many people are quick to tell you that you’ll miss all of this. Funnily enough, my cousin is the first person to ever say that she didn’t, and you might not, and that’s okay. So I’m here to tell you the same. You might not miss any of those unglamorous moments, sleepless nights, or crying sessions, and that’s okay. I think what they mean to say, is that you’ll miss the tininess and newness of your babe, the inexplicable wonder that it is to be a first-time mama, and the experience of feeling astronomically boundless love for the first time for someone that you’ve only just met. All of that is beautiful and you’ll miss it, and you’ll cling to it, and your babe’s growth will be a touch bittersweet because of it, and that’s okay. As Baby J continues to grow, I still experience that wonder and boundless love. I still gawk at her tininess even in her growth. I swell with pride at our journey so far and continue to be so excited for her future.

The fourth trimester is such a crazy ride and there are definitely parts of the experience that you desperately wish would pass but it seems like you’ll be in the struggle forever. But one day… your shoes fit, or you’ve realized you wiped after peeing, or you’ve ditched the maxi pads, or pumping is second nature, or you and your babe slept through the night, and you realize how much you’ve grown.

You’re doing alright, mama! Hang in there.

Cheers,

K